The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today