“no gods no masters” = leo
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.