[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My Plans 2020
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”