For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
You Might Also Like
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours