Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.