Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.