Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
You Might Also Like
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams