I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
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u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”