cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
You Might Also Like
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wait for it
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house