All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
You Might Also Like
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*names my little horse OneTrick*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
this is the best day of my life
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.