Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Important
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher