You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.