I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
figuring out my emotional availability:
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.