SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.