I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?