me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery