Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.