Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?