Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
How to draw a duck
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day