You Might Also Like
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)