I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
you stereotypes are all alike
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
This guy gets it.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.