[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You Might Also Like
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My favorite female superhero
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840