‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
You Might Also Like
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Anime is real
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this