I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
set yourself free xox
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.