My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again