I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.