Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
For anyone who needs this today
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…