My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
You Might Also Like
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My time has come.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this