Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone