Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
You Might Also Like
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.