birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong