Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!