I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Just why bro?!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome