Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Dishonest mechanic?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.