date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.