If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Has science gone too far?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Science memes
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Spell check is for lasers.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Oh we’ve met.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.