Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.