He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine