Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”