Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those