Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
You Might Also Like
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*