My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet