You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
This was my dad’s browser history.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.