Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.