Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
You Might Also Like
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
When they try to steal your moment.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep