You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?