My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
You Might Also Like
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
This why you should mind your business
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.