Running your mouth is not cardio.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
every. time.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me