The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit