Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Good morning, Twitter x
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.